Recently in a health group the subject changed to sexual health.
Here are some things that people have said they needed, not just from their partner, but from life in general: to be given room to make his own decisions, and even his own mistakes. No wonder he was having trouble functioning in his intimate relationship. They needed to communicate. She needed to tell her partner that her feelings were hurt by his bad behavior. No wonder she had lost her desire—she hadn’t let her partner know that she wanted to be treated better.
So if you are not feeling too terribly close to your partner, or too terribly sexy, think: What do I need? It may have nothing at all to do with sex. Remember, if you are feeling sad, worried, ignored, or disrespected, you may not feel much desire for anything. You can live in a state of unfulfilled desire, and be pretty unhappy. Or you can figure out what you want and seek it.
Desire, you see, is not just limited to one area of life. Much of our upbringing tells us it is wrong to have desire; we are supposed to be happy with the status quo. That makes it much easier to control our behavior, no? It trains us to sacrifice, to be good workers and caregivers. Not necessarily a negative, unless desire is so suppressed that we ignore its symptoms, which include frustration, sadness, or a kind of deadness.
Desire awakens us. What potential lies in dreaming for what we wish and seeking what we want? Denying ourselves in one area may lead to imbalances in others. We will either try to overcompensate somewhere else (too much food, too much drink) or deny all our needs. Desire is opening to possibility and gives life its excitement.
So, what else do you need? What kind of people actually do seek therapy? People that you’d see in the market, at the movies, getting a coffee at Starbucks. They are often sensitive, because someone not so sensitive may not be so easily wounded around their sexuality. They are often intelligent, because they knew enough to get help from a sex therapist when whatever they’ve tried on their own hasn’t worked. Sometimes one partner is resistant, sometimes one partner is frustrated or even angry. Sometimes there are unrealistic expectations of each other, and of the therapist. Sometimes there is pessimism; people ask flat out, “Is there hope?” My pat answer: There is always hope, or I’m out a job.
An old wiseman once said, "Hope deferred makes the heart sick." Desire, hope, postiive thinking, is why we can live without frustration or sadness. Make today a day filled with hope and desire.
